The Kitchen

You are in a well-equipped kitchen.  Behind you, the doors lead back to the entrance hall.  The work surfaces are tiled in rich terracotta, with a large chopping board set into one of the units.  The shelves are full of interesting ingredients; all labelled in the same spidery handwriting, which you can't quite make out.  On one of the work surfaces is a thick leather-bound recipe book, with the inscription "There is no such thing as too much garlic".   It falls open, to show the contents page:

Seared Chicken Salad
Fried Rice with Garlic and Chilli
The Ciabatta from Hell
The Garlic Bread from Hell
Chilli con Carné
French Dressing
Fruit Salsa
Fifty Chilli Pickle

Seared Chicken Salad

• mixed salad (rocket and spinach works well)
• chicken breast
• bacon
• bread for croutons
• lump of parmesan

Fried Rice with Garlic and Chilli

This dish works best for 2 to 4 people (for any more people, it is difficult to drain the rice properly). The quantities given below are only approximate; and some may be left out entirely, depending on availability and whim. If the ingredients are varied from batch to batch, the risotto will be different every time, so you won't get bored with it.  You will need the following essential ingredients:

• enough rice for the number of people eating
• oil for frying
• lots of green and red chilli peppers
• lots of garlic, sliced
• spring onion stalks (the white parts), chopped
• soy sauce
• dry sherry
• two or three eggs, beaten with salt

You may also use the following optional ingredients:

• an onion, diced
• half a cubic inch of fresh ginger, finely sliced
• a packet of fresh bean sprouts
• half a green or red pepper, sliced
• a few mushrooms, sliced
• a few inches of salami, kabanos or chorizos, cubed

You will need the following ingredients for the garnish:

• spring onion leaves (the green parts), coarsely chopped
• a few coriander leaves, chopped

First, boil the rice for 12 to 15 minutes. Transfer to a large sieve, and pour two full kettles of boiling water through it, to remove the starch. Put the rice on one side and leave for at least two hours, so that all the excess water can drain from it; if you don't do this, the rice will go mushy when you fry it later on.

Next, core all the chilli peppers. A good way is to cut the tops off, then insert a small, sharp knife into the space surrounding the central core, and work it round the entire chilli. The core should then pop out, leaving you with a whole chilli. You may have to cut red chillies in half before doing this, as they tend to be longer and narrower than the green ones.  When you have done this, take a wok with a lid, and fry the chillies fiercely in plenty of oil, stirring frequently until they are brown and discoloured in places. It is vitally important to keep the lid on the wok when not stirring the chillies; otherwise, the kitchen will quickly become uninhabitable.

Add the garlic, spring onion stalks, onion and ginger, and fry fiercely for a few minutes until soft. Mix equal quantities of sherry and soy sauce in a glass, and splash into the wok; it should start boiling immediately, with a satisfying sizzling sound.

Add the rest of the ingredients except the eggs and the garnish, turn the heat down and simmer for ten or twenty minutes until most of the sherry mixture has been reduced. Then transfer everything to a bowl, and set aside.

Clean out the wok, and heat some more oil. When very hot, add the beaten eggs, and cook for 10 seconds until some of the egg has solidified in the bottom. Add the boiled rice, and stir once or twice to coat the grains with egg; then fry fiercely for 5 to 10 minutes, turning occasionally, until all the egg has cooked and the rice has taken on a golden brown colour.

Finally, mix in the cooked ingredients and the spring onion leaves, serve and sprinkle with the chopped coriander.

The Ciabbata from Hell

Well, I think it's about time I put the new recipe up here.  I've noticed garlic bread getting a lot richer lately, so I've tried to cut down the fat content.  I've also been experimenting with ciabatta bread; it's really good at soaking up flavours.

• ciabatta bread
• garlic
• butter
• olive oil
• assorted fillings (see below)
• some baking foil

Take a ciabatta loaf, and slice it horizontally down the middle.  Spread with butter, crushed garlic and fillings; dribble with olive oil (garlic- or chilli-flavoured olive oils are really cool for this), put the top back on, and wrap in baking foil.  Cook at 150°C for 40 minutes.

Most savoury fillings will work; but if you want to soak up the garlic, I've found mushroom and spinach works quite well.

The Garlic Bread from Hell

The Garlic Bread from Hell (or G.B.H.) has evolved over the years I've been making it.  It's designed to deliver the maximum garlic payload without being too rich, and it shouldn't take too long to prepare.  I've left the quantities deliberately vague, because recipes should encourage experimentation, and it's boring to have the same thing every time.  You will need:

• some baguettes
• butter
• olive oil
• assorted fillings (see below)
• some baking foil
• oh yes, and lots of garlic

For each baguette, crush a bulb of garlic.  I use an onion press for this; you can do four or five cloves at once!  Mix with equal quantities of olive oil and butter, to form a smooth paste; you might want to vary the proportions, but too much butter will make it rich, and too much oil is hard to work with.  To save time, you can also mix in some grated cheddar cheese (though see the bit on fillings below).

Cut 'V' shaped wedges from the baguette, and fill with the garlic butter mixture and assorted fillings.  Practically anything savoury will do, but I've found the following work quite well:

• mozzarella cheese
• feta cheese
• blue cheese
• cream cheese and crushed red chilli (for the serious chilli addict)
• fresh, grated parmesan and pesto ("he put Basil in the garlic bread ...")
• sun-dried tomatoes and black olives

Brush some more olive oil onto a sheet of baking foil (you can use those discarded bits of bread for this, and then eat them), and wrap each baguette individually; twist the ends to keep the moisture in.  Bake in a pre-heated oven at 150°C for about half an hour, or until you can smell garlic in every room.

Chilli Con Carné

This is a recipe that some of my friends go "eeurgh!" at.  Actually, it's well worth trying, and very useful for using up some of those miscellaneous bits and pieces you find at the bottom of the fridge.  You will need:

• minced beef
• onions
• garlic
• chilli peppers
• tinned tomatoes
• kidney beans
• red and green peppers
• mushrooms
• olive oil
• soy sauce
• tomato purée
• dark chocolate

First, chop the onions.  The best way I've found for doing this is to cut them in half "from pole to pole", peel off the skin, then slice each half almost to the tip, to form connected wedges; this gives you something to hold on to, when you chop them (or you could just use a food processor).  Chop the garlic and chillies, and fry the lot in olive oil until the onion and garlic are almost transparent.

Meanwhile, fry the minced beef separately, and splash in some soy sauce when it's almost done.  Drain to remove any excess liquid, and leave on one side.

Slice the red and green peppers, and the mushrooms.  Add to the onion mixture to fry for a bit, then mix in the tinned tomatoes, the kidney beans and the minced beef.   Crumble in some of the chocolate, and you might want to add some more soy sauce or tomatoe purée for flavouring.  Simmer for an hour or two.  If it gets too dry, you can add some (cheap!) red wine ... or you could do this anyway.

Finally, serve with crusty bread and a salad (see French dressing below), and sprinkle some finely grated cheese on top.

French Dressing

A good French dressing is three parts oil, one part vinegar.  Excellent with salads, and quite good on avocado, too.

Olive oil is best for this, though you can use small quantities of walnut or sesame oil as well.  I suggest white wine vinegar and some Balsamic vinegar; and if you can get them, cider or raspberry vinegar.

You can also use some or all of the following, according to taste; you'll have to decide for yourself the right quantities of these:

• lemon or lime juice
• honey or muscovado sugar
• coarse-grain mustard
• finely chopped garlic (you will need to shake it a lot before pouring)

Fruit Salsa

This is a recipe I reconstructed from a jar someone gave me once ... but I've embellished it a bit since then.  It's basically an ordinary tomato salsa, with lots of fruit added.  You will need:

• lots of chilli peppers
• fresh tomatoes
• onion
• garlic
• peaches
• pears
• plums
• mango
• kiwi fruit
• honey or sugar

First, core the chilli peppers; cut the top off each one with a sharp knife, and cut round the inside, between the flesh and the seeds.  The core should just pop out, with the seeds attached; throw this away, as you won't be needing it.  Cut the chillies in half lengthwise, and grill them for ten minutes, turning them over halfway through; this takes some of the heat out, so you're just left with the flavour.  It is vitally important to make sure you only touch the chillies with one hand and wash very thoroughly afterwards, or use rubber gloves; it can be a painful mistake to forget this!

When you've finished grilling the chillies and let them cool, chop them up further, and blend with the tomatoes to form a chunky liquid.  Fry the chopped onions and garlic in a large saucepan with a little oil, then add the tomato/chilli mixture.  Chop the other ingredients, and add them to the saucepan; softer fruit can be added later, to stop it going mushy.

Simmer for an hour or two, until most of the liquid boils off, and add honey or sugar to taste.  Leave to cool, and put in the 'fridge until you're ready to eat it, then serve with tortilla chips.

Fifty Chilli Pickle

Don't let the title put you off; this is hot, but not unbearably so. Then again, I've been eating spicy food for so long that my judgement may be impaired, so you may wish to approach with caution!

• 50 red and green chilli peppers
• olive oil
• dark balsamic vinegar
• honey

Top and core the peppers, and discard the seeds. Spread out in a roasting pan, drizzle with olive oil, and roast at 180°C for about 20 minutes, turning occasionally. When they're done, the skins should be starting to blister; it won't hurt if they've turned black in places, but no more than that.

Remove from the oven and allow to cool. Chop coarsely, add the balsamic vinegar and honey, and optionally more olive oil to taste. I've been deliberately vague about quantities, because you should make your own judgement on how sharp or sweet it should be; but I use roughly equal quantities of each, and enough to not quite cover the chopped chillies.

Serve with tortilla chips. If left overnight in the fridge, the flavour should improve; but it can be eaten straight away!